About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Fat chances are my favorite chances
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
the simulation is moving too fast
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*