An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.