[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.