My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
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One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
they really do be looking like this
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.