And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
sigh
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.