A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses