ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.