[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”