Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.