Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*