I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket