You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao