Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
my nickname in college
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Put the is in disheveled
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called