coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
You Might Also Like
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.