My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs