Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
lot going on here, legally speaking.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.