6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
We’ve all been there…
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“That’s what” – She
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.