Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.