Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.