[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**