If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
they finally got him. they got macavity
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE