me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
You Might Also Like
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great