If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*