People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die