* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99