*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.