All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My beach vacation Google searches
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
From my Mom
So inspired right now.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex