This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?