“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Who did it better?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Pizza is an emotion right?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.