Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.