My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.