Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Can Happiness buy money?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
dude it’s called proctologist
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
house sitting!
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm