Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.