i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that