Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.