My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The news is so predictable nowadays
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
sigh
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Come back with a warrant
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.