A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.