Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”