Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?