I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My dad teaching me to drive
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
groan^2
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*