Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob