[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
No way!
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face