I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Come back with a warrant
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?