[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it