😅😅😅
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*