scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I know
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you