There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
fired
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.