Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I want what they have
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
CRYING
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
A Match(.com), but for socks.