Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”