I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in